he is now three months old. beautiful and doubled his birth weight. i got to see him on saturday and it was amazing. I knew what i could give him....and what his adoptive parents could give him.... and i gave him everything by letting his adoptive parents give him his future. his eyes are blue... hair is a little red (white boy!!). Yes, they have problems like any couple does, and yes they are trying to work it out... they are not going to give up on him, and i dont regret for a moment what i did. I do wish that i could be there more to be in his life to see all the little things.... but the greater picture is what i'm concerned about.... and i know he'll thank me for it.   i cry at times....i've cried a lot... but He is worth every tear and every heart break.... and i wouldn't change a thing to bring this blessing to his life and to theirs.....and to mine. He is healthier than most kids i know his age...His emotional needs are being met....they have proven in studies somewhere that the emotional need is more important that the physical need. children in countries where they're overrun in orphanages have died for no reason when they are getting fed everything they need....and why??? the emotional need isn't met.... I know his needs are met in both categories..... and i know the emotional need is met by both his mothers love.

I had my son on the 17th of July. 7lbs 8oz. 19 in long. Tons of blonde hair. I was in labor for 13 hours and hard labor for about a half hour. His adoptive parents took him home on the 18th.  He was beautiful. I had my relinquishment hearing on the 5th of Aug. They look so happy to have him. It brings me peace to know that he is very well cared for. He lives in an emotionally and financially stable home. He is loved beyond belief both by me and his parents. I do regret part of it... but i can't regret it all. I wouldn't take back a single thing that i have done. I do wish I could be part of his life and raise him... but he needs more than I can truly offer right now. I know i made the right choice. and fuck ya'll for trying to say otherwise. I had the most beautiful 24 hours with him. and they will always be with me. I loved him enough to give him what he needs.  Breast milk isn't everything. The emotional aspect of necessities outweighs nutrition. and he is growing very well...so no worries there.

so i hung out with mark on the fourth. it was pretty fun..that part was...but it's funny to notice how awkward we act around eachother... we were never closer than a foot together....(considering what our relationship used to be...it makes sense.) but the fact that he was willing to hang out with my dad there... was a big thing...he was always avoiding it...he met my dad once while i was at wallyworld... and i was talking to my dad he came up and smacked my ass to show a type of ownership... so i introduced him to my dad...his face was one of imbarrassement and horror...it was classic...after that he would always refuse to even go to my dad's place....

 

we went to a bbq... ate some pretty good food, watched some lame fireworks.... came back to my place fed him a couple beers and we sat and talked for about a half hour before we started to hear the sounds of my friend and my dad getting it on.... so we left for me to take him home, he had to get home anyway. He lent me a couple of movies that were really good...it's funny, we still trust eachother... He even opened up to me about stuff with his son that he hasn't told anyone else........ and he pulled his old tactic to see if i was going to get jealous... he mentioned his ex, before we started dating.... and i swear, i hate her more than anyone... even though i haven't met her... and he would do that to test me and to try and get me to pay more attentino to him. old tactic...... but i never let him know it made me jealous...and i wont...what's the purpose? jealousy is stupid and it only causes mroe proplems... but i nknow he's testing me... we're plannign on hanging out again at some point...possibly before i have hte baby or maybe next month.

 

it was nice talking to him the day i invited him, he called me and told me that he thought i was doing the right thing. i said that i ddin't really have a choice. he corrected me: "You do have a choice, you always do. when i was 15 and my son was on his way, i didn't think i could do it, and i did.... you can do it, but you also know it wont be the best life. you are doing the right thing."  I almost wanted his approval but at the same time i was perfectly fine without it...i dont know..he's a cool kid, though.

 

been having more contractions lately...i think he wants to pop.... everyone is betting this week...we'll see.

So i thought that you should understand financial situation of what i'm going through. i make maybe 1800 a month. 600 is gone for rent another 150-200 a month for groceries not to mention that it's now usualyl about 150 for gas a month so there is 950 of my paycheck gone. not to mention that they take  out  about 350 a month in taxes alone.1300 now...and that leaves maybe 500 for anything miscelaneus... Now, let's take out my student loan: 100 and i have some car repairs that need to be taken care of.... and i'm trying to put some money away into a savings account... and being a girl you have period shit... that can be anywhere from 10-30 a month depending on what type of products you buy and/or what you need.  and many other things just to care FOR ME.

 

add a baby into the combination:  that's at least 300 a month for diapers. and they grow so fast you are buying new clothes for them almost every other month... another 100 just to stay hopefully ahead of the curve. now infant care for a fulltime mom: 40 hrs a week: about 1000 a month.... that's 1400 just for baby..... i dont make 2700 a month to try and survive. 

My mom did raise me alone.... and she did the best she could... but i know it wasn't the best. i dont hold that against her though. She also had the support of my fathers mother.... and was able to have family members babysit... even when i was an infant.... I dont have that this time around..  My dad works almost all the time. and when he is off he's sleeping. He works two jobs..and barely has time for his own life. My mom has three kids at home still, four dogs and works graves and i dont trust my stepfather. My grandma has a bad back and can't lift much...so a baby is out of the question. my grandpa's are just too busy with work and other obligationst aht they signed up for long before i was pregnant to be able to do it....all of my aunts and uncles have shitloads of kids themselves and dont have the ability or time to add another to their numbers.

 

So answer me....how the fuck am i supposed to be there for my son when i would ahve to work two may be three jobs just to provide for him....?

 

the couple that wan'ts to adopt have the support of eachother and friends and family. they are a lot more financially secure and they have been preparing for this for a long time.... they understand what it takes... So really, when you sit there and say i will regret my decision made on the information of what i can do really i feel you are attacking the couple who deserve to have a child. this child

So i'm extremely close to my due date now... I'm full term on the fourth of July and the due date is the 25th.... I'm actually thinking i'm propbably going to be having him early. I found a really great couple to adopt him. and i feel very good about it. Yes, i still have my doubts, I could do all of it myself.... but i can't be both mom and dad. and i have no one willing to help me by babysitting....but they're all willing to 'support' me. Where does that make sense?

 

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So, I've been thinking lately.... I wouldn't mind hooking up with mark again. He's the only ex i have ever considered it for. OH, becky, guess what i found out??? Mikey....the dumb shit was calling me 'western family' and shit....He was giving Mark such a hard time about me, and mark does have some self esteem issues....and that's basically why he ended it... He tookt he oppinion of a friend who couldnt even get laid over what he was feeling.... He hasn't dated anyone since we ended.... apparently he's been shit on the doors and he still talks about me... one of the new recruits over there saw my myspace... and the kid goes: so mark, this means she's available right?. Mark got upset and told him "Hell no....." I think it's kinda funny actually.

i hate when the judicial system doesn't work. it has a great idea behind it, but people make it error. how is it that even when someone doesn't do something they still can end up serving time? really? i think you only get the justice you pay for... it's fucked up.